Surviving spouses of military members killed in action can't get remarried without losing their benefits.
By Jennifer Barnhill
Published Nov 8, 2025 5:00 AM PST
When I first began reporting on military families, I truly believed that our community “took care of its own.” But this assumption began to unravel as I learned how our community treats military survivors—the families whose service members lost their lives in service to this country.
“When Gus and I decided to get married, I knew that I would lose my benefits,” said Krista Simpson Anderson, whose husband, Army Staff Sgt. Michael Simpson, died after being critically wounded by an improvised explosive device in April 2013. “A lot of people were like, ‘you’re going to lose your benefits just live together.’ And that just wasn’t an option…my children were young, and that’s not what I believed from a faith perspective.”
Krista, like many military spouses, didn’t have a career to fall back on when Michael died. Professionally, she was behind her civilian peers, having suffered unrecoverable economic losses, losses that average roughly half a million dollars over the course of a 20-year career. She was faced with reentering the workforce while navigating her own grief and the grief of her two bereaved sons. She relied upon survivor benefits to make up the economic losses she had suffered as an active-duty spouse. They couldn’t bring Michael back, but they kept the lights on and food on the table.
Krista, like many military spouses, didn’t have a career to fall back on when Michael died. Professionally, she was behind her civilian peers, having suffered unrecoverable economic losses, losses that average roughly half a million dollars over the course of a 20-year career. She was faced with reentering the workforce while navigating her own grief and the grief of her two bereaved sons. She relied upon survivor benefits to make up the economic losses she had suffered as an active-duty spouse. They couldn’t bring Michael back, but they kept the lights on and food on the table.
According to current law, if a Gold Star or surviving spouse remarries before the age of fifty-five, they will lose their survivor benefits, including SBP, DIC, Tricare health coverage, access to VA home loans, and much more. The average total loss amounts to roughly $4,000 in payments per month plus benefits. This is referred to as the “remarriage penalty”.
This legislation was written at a time when women were not legally permitted to hold credit cards or take out loans without a male sponsor. The assumption was that if a widow remarried, her new husband would take over the role of provider. That assumption no longer fits the reality of modern families—and certainly not the reality of military spouses, who often juggle caregiving, unemployment and multiple relocations while their partners serve.
“When an 18-year-old enlists in the military, they are promised that their family will be taken care of for the rest of their lives,” said Ashlynne Haycock-Lohmann, Director, Government and Legislative Affairs for Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) and the surviving daughter of Army Sgt. 1st Class Jeffrey and Air Force Senior Airman Nichole Haycock. “The current law breaks that promise.”
So survivors are left to decide between financial stability or emotional stability.
So instead of losing all her benefits immediately, she transferred them to her children, who are about to age out of being eligible to collect them. Other surviving spouses may not have children to pass benefits to, while others choose not to get remarried, but live in limbo.
“In February of 2014, right before Valentine’s Day, I got my first letter asking me to verify that I had not remarried,” said Marcie Robertson, whose husband, Army Sgt. 1st Class Forrest Robertson, was killed in Afghanistan. “It was a reminder that if I ever wanted to, my happiness would cost me.” The currently VA sends survivors a letter on the anniversary of the death of their loved one, asking them to reaffirm their marital status, to ensure they are still eligible for benefits.
According to advocates, the average age of a surviving spouse is around 25. That means they would need to wait 30 years before they could remarry without penalty. It’s no wonder that only about 5% of surviving spouses under 55 actually do.
“No survivor should have to choose between remarrying or retaining essential benefits to support their family after losing their servicemember or veteran spouse,” said Kentucky Sen. Jerry Moran via email. “That is why I introduced the Love Lives On Act, to allow surviving spouses to retain these benefits upon remarriage regardless of age. A survivor who remarries is still a survivor, and military service is, and always will be, a family service.”
Senator Moran shared that while parts of the Love Lives On Act have found their way into the FY2024 defense bill as well as the Senator Elizabeth Dole 21st Century Veterans Healthcare and Benefits Improvement Act of 2025, “but the work is not done, and I will continue working to make certain the full legislation is considered by the full Senate.”
Sadly, fighting bureaucracy is not new to survivors; they have been fighting for earned benefits for 40 years.
Widow’s Tax 101
I first heard the name Theresa Jones after my husband and I arrived at our new duty station in Atsugi, Japan. We arrived as the Jones family left. I heard stories about how fun Theresa and her husband, Landon, were and how they were missed by our new community. The next time I heard Theresa’s name it was for the worst possible reason.
On Sept. 22, 2013, Landon’s MH60-S helicopter suffered a catastrophic accident and fell into the Red Sea, resulting in the deaths of both Landon and his copilot, Chief Warrant Officer Jonathan Gibson.
Theresa learned of Landon’s death while she was scrolling Facebook. An official notification from the Navy’s casualty assistance officer, called a CACO, soon followed. She was making significant financial decisions about survivor benefits on the worst day of her life. And Theresa was not the only surviving spouse I met who was simultaneously combating grief and bureaucracy.
At that time, survivors were subject to something known as the “widow’s tax”, officially called the SBP-DIC offset. The offset essentially withheld survivor benefits, based on a policy that said survivors could not be paid twice for the same reason. Instead of getting the full Survivor Benefit Plan (SBP) and Dependency and Indemnity Compensation (DIC) payments, the government “offset” or withheld some of the payments.
The reality was survivors were not double-dipping; they were simply trying to collect earned benefits that were for different things. Survivors and advocates got Congress to “axe the tax” in December 2019, and it was fully repealed by 2023.
Two of the chief architects of repealing the offset were Kathy Prout and Edith Smith, who organized survivors, getting them to tell their stories to inspire and inform policy changes. They made phone trees and lists of who to call and when. They even had a uniform of sorts and would march through Capitol Hill wearing yellow hats to be instantly recognizable as a representative of the survivor community.
Their grassroots efforts were amplified by nonprofits like TAPS and the National Military Family Association (NMFA) and political leaders, like Sen. Doug Jones, who was willing to take up their cause.
Survivors didn’t achieve this victory after 40 years because the system suddenly became compassionate. They won because they refused to be invisible and were willing to fight to change the broken system for those who come after them.
Now, it’s our turn to step up—so no survivor ever has to choose between love and security again.
Learn more about the history of how survivors have fought to ensure that America honors its promise to care for the families of the fallen in my book, “The Military Stories You’ve Been Told and the Ones You Need to Hear.”
Original Article: https://www.wearethemighty.com/mighty-milspouse/law-says-military-survivors-can-have-love-or-security-but-not-both/
